Day 5 and Year 3

Today is my fifth day on IVF drugs and the third year of trying to have a baby. It's been a long road that will hopefully just be a jaunt in the bigger scheme of things, but one that has opened my eyes to the trials and tribulations that life brings. This blog will be a place I periodically update my family and friends on the progress of the fertility process.

Day 5: I have to give myself shots every evening of a drug called Gonal-f. This comes after being on birth control for 21 days. The birth control essentially cleared out my ovary (FYI-I lost my left ovary to a large cyst in 2006) and the Gonal-f pumps up the the egg creation to hopefully make 10+ follicles that the doctors will remove sometime during April 7-April 12, depending on their development progress. I have begun to feel bloated and slightly uncomfortable, but overall okay. Because the extreme hormones in the drugs, my ovary will grow to over 5X-10X it's normal size. Because of this my body will create a buffer and send lots of fluids to help protect it, hence the bloating. There is emphasis from doctors on keeping up with fluids, since this process can make your body dehydrated since so much fluid is going to my abdomen. We go tomorrow for our first ultrasound to see how many follicles are growing and how big they are.

Year 3: It's difficult to write about this perspective. I got pregnant in July 2007 and miscarried in Sept 2007, without any pregnancies since. Knowing I can get pregnant is a good thing, but it's such a mysterious process that has alluded G and I since then. We see life flourishing all around us and sometimes it feels as if our lives are on pause, watching new life pass us by. I have stopped setting benchmarks and envisioning myself pregnant at certain upcoming events and gave up the goal of having a baby by the time I'm 35, since that day is a just a couple of months away.

I have surrendered to the process and the reality, we will be okay if we are child-free. Going through this process has made the relationship and bond between G and I so much stronger. Our mutual care and respect for one another has exceeded anything I have ever had before, and that has been a true gift. We really hope that IVF works for us but I also understand the reality that it may not. I appreciate the kind, positive words that people give but unfortunately no one knows what the future holds and I am okay with that.